Well, well, that was hell. You know, nobody said this would be easy. You know that feeling when you are at home and you know you have to get to the gym but you just feel like a ton of bricks. Then, you get started with your workout and things start to feel a little better, bit by bit until you feel like you can conquer the world? That isn’t happening to me anymore. Maybe it is because I let myself go so bad and I have to rebuild my strength, because I tell you, I felt like a ton of bricks the whole way through! It is frustrating to go from being highly fit to unfit and then start all over again. I am frustrated with myself, but I will not beat myself up. I’m not sure if anybody has suffered severe depression before, but I think the tail end of that last episode is dragging on me. The only thing left to do is to blow through it. Eventually fitness will win out and I will be back baby back. Sticking with the plan sam!
Anybody else out there ever feel this way? Ever suffered a depression?
I say this is my rainy day because of the fading but lingering depression that just won’t seem to bugger off! It is like an elephant is getting a free piggy-back ride and not paying the fee. I am dragging myself through the motions of necessary daily tasks, conversation, being awake, and of all days today, the my first day. What first day, you say? The first day of my 30 day fitness challenge! Oh I want it so bad. I’ve started new meds for this dilemma, again. The carousel of this med and that, finally I find a combination that works and then oop, another what would have been a major mood swing without the meds, but a mood change just enough to make me not normal either way comes at me. Like I say, I just started the new med and I know it will work. It always does when I get this way.
I should probably explain more. When I am on my proper doses and combinations of medications, I am stable. Sometimes however, a drastic or particularly shaking experience in life will knock you off track and throw you into either a mania or depression. This time was probably my fault, I started to work too much and wasn’t getting proper sleep and wasn’t eating properly. Essentially, I didn’t stay on my schedule. That sent me into a hypomanic (a little less severe than full blown mania) state. Once I dropped from this state that is when the severe depression started. It went on for months until it got so bad that I couldn’t get to work and I had to seek help again. When I write that I just suffered a bout of depression up until this post, that is the depression that I am coming out of now. I am not quite there, am incredibly lethargic but I am devoted to following my plan of action, my fitness plan, my plan to simplify and organize my life, and to follow a daily routine. It is what sparked this blog.
In any case, this is how I am feeling this, the day one of my 30 day fitness challenge, I did the workout, it was almost impossible to get to that gym, but I must say it did help a bit. I just cannot wait to get out of this haze!