Bipolar, Musings, Personal, Stories

Wide Awake

As a child, I was free from the feeling of impending age and disappointment as I realize that life has happened for too long and I have fallen behind. Like all bright eyed youth I believed that as I studied hard, went through the right motions, followed all the right rules, that life would somehow fall into place. I would simply step onto destinies trail and life would unfold before me. I always had a sense that I would recognize each milestone by the successes and failures, where I had come, what I had accomplished. I had a preconceived idea of what each milestone would bring, how it would feel, that I would know I was where I was meant to be. However, bright eyed youth become wide eyed adults. Wide eyed with surprise that time had dragged them through life to reach each milestone without reminding them to stay awake for the ride. I am now of an age that my younger self would not recognize from her sense of time. I do not recognize this place. I still don’t know what I was supposed to do, and by now I should have been doing it for years. This is where I awoke. Jolted awake by one of life’s bumps, I nearly lost my grip. This is my wide-eyed moment. I find myself looking around and wondering why I am still waiting for everything to fall into place. The problem is, things are already in place and I was never asleep. I was just looking in the wrong directions.images (8)

Life is where you are, life is now. It always has been. Destiny did not pave your trail, you did. Life did not drag you blindly along, you were looking backward, or forward, or anywhere but now. Looking to the past, you miss the present as it unfolds. Your past will pave your way. Looking to the future will distract you from your present, the good, the lessons, life. On you go, paving a trail fervently trying to reach that future expectation, missing the present. But the present is still here. Appreciate the past, live in the present and expect a great future. We are all paving our own trails. Every moment offers a choice,  be present and make a conscious choice to fill it will gratitude, love, hope and happiness and watch your trail, charmed and alive, unfold before your eyes.

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Bipolar

Epiphany

Yesterday I was feeling down. Then I realised that I have cold AND HOT running water and I was happy again. We are blessed. There are countless little things that we are blessed to have access to. We do not have a right to anything, we are just lucky to live where we do which allows us a standard of living that many are without. BE HAPPY! No matter how hard things are, or how bad you think you have it, at least you probably live somewhere where you have access to help for you problems. We are rich and we are blessed. We have everything we need and more. download (3)

Bipolar, Personal, Stories

Day 2 at the Gym

Well, well, that was hell. You know, nobody said this would be easy. You know that feeling when you are at home and you know you have to get to the gym but you just feel like a ton of bricks. Then, you get started with your workout and things start to feel a little better, bit by bit until you feel like you can conquer the world? That isn’t happening to me anymore. Maybe it is because I let myself go so bad and I have to rebuild my strength, because I tell you, I felt like a ton of bricks the whole way through! It is frustrating to go from being highly fit to unfit and then start all over again. I am frustrated with myself, but I will not beat myself up. I’m not sure if anybody has suffered severe depression before, but I think the tail end of that last episode is dragging on me. The only thing left to do is to blow through it. Eventually fitness will win out and I will be back baby back. Sticking with the plan sam!

Anybody else out there ever feel this way? Ever suffered a depression?

Bipolar, Musings, Personal, Stories

Decluttered and Reset

I’ve done it! All obsolete emails, gone. All unfinished blogs and unused accounts, gone. I have chosen a focus, I’m not sure why I didn’t think about this before. I have always had a love of fitness, well, in between bouts of depression. This blog is a great way to keep me motivated and accountable. Fitness helps my mood to stabilize and I feel all around wonderful when  I am taking care of my body, mind and soul.

This blog is my home base. My diary. As someone suffering from bipolar disorder it helps me to write down my thoughts and to have a regular plan and schedule. Taking care of my mind and spirit through meditation (and other means that are yet to be explored throughout this journey) and my body through a fitness plan. I am posting my plan, my goals and my progress here, good or bad.

I have decided to start with a 30 day challenge. I have already posted my starting photo (It was hard for me to do because I am not happy with my weight right now, but I am devoted to the plan). There, I will also post my weekly workouts with a starting photo for the week on each page. Calorie intake for the days will also be included. I have written my goal calorie intake for now, but will update my actual intake which I will track using “My Fitness Pal“, an app for Android or iPhone.

My starting date for this plan is December 26, 2014. Wish me luck!