This Is All I Got For Now

Wow, it has been a really long time and a lot of really awful things have happened since I was regularly posting here. For the past 5 months or so I have spent varying amounts of time staring at this computer screen. Each time there is so much that I want to fill you in on, a multitude of stories that I’ve yet to get out.3410eea79eaaabc721d3692d363f1361

It kind of reminds me of the Simpsons episode where Mr. Burns gets a check-up. Well, each particular story is like one of Mr Burns’ little illnesses. The little bugs or illnesses are so numerous that they should have already killed Mr. Burns. He continues to live, however, because they are all blocking each other and cancelling each other out. Check out the video, it might make some sense to you. It is my best attempt at explaining myself.

If only a slight breeze would pop one of those stories out and the rest would flow. I guess that is kind of why I am writing this. It is something, even if it is simply me writing about not being about to get myself to write.

I feel like everything is just swirling above my eyes, up there somewhere and there is just so much ‘stuff’ in that cyclone that I become overwhelmed and I can’t figure out what to pick, what to start with. I don’t know which to write about, I don’t know which chore to start with, which move to make next. I feel like I have been hog tied with a big sock duct taped into my mouth. All I feel like I can bear to do is sleep. The whole swirling mess that is every day life just keeps spinning and I have grown weary, a ceaseless fatigue that just lingers. I don’t know how to move quickly, I am slow, I am perpetually tired. The very chore of fighting to achieve an upright position is a chore so big to me lately that I have considered just not getting up anymore. Just saying, “fuck it” and letting everything crumble around me until someone just deals with my limp, uncooperative body. This temps me often.

On the positive side, I have posted something. I feel like something budged. I think I made some room, wait…I did. So, there are a lot of stories to tell, lots of psychological findings I have come to learn. I recently found new hope and have learned that up until now, I’ve been prescribed mostly incorrect medications. I feel that many of you will be interested to learn about what I have discovered from my new, fabulous psychiatrist in whom I have a lot of hope. I want to share that whole journey as it unfolds, and will catch you up shortly. It is exciting, particularly if you have been dealing with Mental Illness in North America.

Stay tuned, I will return, I can feel a small breeze coming through that sliver of space I just freed up. Talk soon! xoxo

The struggle of mental health | Playlist | TED.com

The struggle of mental health | Playlist | TED.com.

About Me And Why I Am Here At Blogging 101

I am Amy and I was diagnosed about 7 years ago with Bipolar Disorder. I haven’t shared it with many people. Recently it seems that I am hearing about mental health and mental illness everywhere. I have been afraid for employers, friends and family to find out. I imagined their impression of me would change immediately. I am doing well at the moment. It really is an intense illness, and many people suffer horribly. Then there is the shame because of the stigma associated with people diagnosed with severe mental illnesses. I am blogging as an outlet to clear my mind, as well as to be another voice speaking openly about my illness. I will provide information and support for those with mental health issues as well. (Not there yet). I am hoping to learn valuable tools and tips that I won’t get fumbling along alone, as well as to connect with the community.

Social Media & Bipolar Disorder | Can Social Media Activity Predict Depressive Or Manic Episodes?

images (71)In the past few days I have been able to come out from under the covers. Visiting family, taking walks, eating, bathing regularly, you know, the things that I take for granted when I am not sick. It feels good to see some light. Literally though, it has brightened up in terms of weather in the past two days which doesn’t hurt the progress.

During the last month or so I have really struggled with the lower end of this illness as evidenced by my intermittent to non-existent Blog posts, Tweets and Facebook activity. This got me thinking. Could social media play some role in predicting or somehow catching an episode whether it be an early stage depression or early hypo-mania? Of course, when I start to wonder things like this I go straight to Google and interestingly enough, I am not the only one that has noticed this.

I know that when I get depressed I have incredible anxiety. I get physically sick to my stomach when the phone rings, if I need to take care of some paperwork, pay rent, interact with people….Opening my computer to write, communicate on Twitter or Facebook becomes unbearable to think about. Emails feel like little attacks of more things that I am going to have to take care of. Then I start to get even more depressed and anxious because I am not keeping up with all of these things and I worry that I am missing some appointment or some important email. I worry about not keeping up on social media, hell, I am worried about who has been calling and what I am missing or what problems I might be causing myself because of the missed calls. It is irrational, I know. I can’t explain it. I know it sounds like a simple fix. Just suck it up and do it. One email at a time, just pick up the phone, it is probably just a friend, just look to see who it is that is calling before you answer. I can’t explain it, I can only share it. If you haven’t felt it, that knife in the gut feeling and then the guilt from not doing whatever that knife in the gut feeling images (69)stopped you from doing, you cannot understand. If you haven’t curled up into the fetal position and audibly moaned with agony from the butterflies on speed in your stomach, you can’t get it. It is not your fault, it just cannot be gotten. But I have gotten off track.

Back to my observation about my social media activity during this time of depression. I can actually track my activity on all platforms and watch it decline. My posts, tweets and Facebook messages become fewer and farther between as the depression continued. That made me wonder if the opposite might be true. I thought back to my last manic episode. It started early last summer and continued through most of the summer months. It was before this blog however, but during this time I had 5 Twitter accounts, I was dabbling in a couple of blogs, one is still active, 3 Facebook accounts for different causes that I had become involved in. I was even contacted by a radio host who wanted to do an interview because of my other blog and its cause. My posts were 2,3,4,5 am then 9am again. I was constantly monitoring my computer and my social accounts. I was obsessed. I couldn’t be stopped! A member of my family mentioned something to me about the strange hours that I was posting on Facebook, but that is all I heard about it. So I know that in my case, my activity on social media could quite likely be used to predict an episode, either depression or mania.

With a little searching, I found that this is being studied right now. Facebook in particular has been popular for researchers in terms of what is normal and what is out of the ordinary for the individual it is monitoring.

Here is an article about one such study: Facebook posts of Bipolar patients to be studied to monitor signs of relapse in world first study:

A world-first study will use Facebook as an early intervention tool to help prevent people with Bipolar from lapsing into manic episodes.

The Facebook use in Affective Disorders study will analyse the changes in social media use by an individual before and during a bipolar relapse.

If the first part of the trial proves that the Facebook monitoring helps to avert people from experiencing relapses then an application will be designed for users to download. ~ By Leesa Smith | Mail Online

Roisin Kiberd in, How Facebook Can Be Used to Predict a Manic Episode gives an example of some out-of-character Facebook use that he has noticed.

Recently a friend of mine began to post excessively on Facebook every day, usually between 5 AM and 8 AM. One day I used wordcounter.net to add up 9734 words in total; another day, 6288. His page became an archive of racing thoughts, manifested in aggressive, disturbing updates that friends found difficult to read.

Readers will remember a similar, very public series of tweets made by actor Amanda Bynes in the run-up to her eventual hospitalization, along with countless other examples both in public and private. ~ Raisin Kiberd

…it goes on the explain the method behind how researchers are planning to study what is normal Facebook use for an individual, and how that can be used as an indicator of a shift activity and perhaps mood.

The Facebook use in Affective Disord​ers (FAD) Study is currently underway in Melbourne, Australia; it’s a collaboration between researchers from the Monash Alfred Psychiatry Centre and computer scientists from the School of Intelligent Systems at RMIT University. It tracks the Facebook activity and mood of participants with bipolar disorder to work out what “normal” is for them, with the hope of alerting subjects when they begin to stray from their usual patterns towards a potential relapse. ~ Raisin Kiberd

In my research I even found a researcher from Michigan who is testing a phone app that would predict Manic episodes in Bipolar patients by monitoring the user’s voice. The app would record the user’s voice picking up changes in speech patterns, intonations and speed to predict a manic episode. The data would be sent to the user’s doctor for monitoring so that the doctor could be aware of the patient’s possible oncoming episode. You can read more about it hereApp May Help Predict Manic Episodes in Bipolar Disorder

I suppose then, that I am not the only person to have noticed that there might just be a link here. I’m not sure how soon we will have access to any of these apps or on-line tools to monitor our social media activity, or that anybody would want them to, but I do think that it is a good tool that we can use ourselves. I find it particularly helpful in a hypo-manic stage. If I am depressed, it doesn’t take the guilt of not keeping up my on-line presence to let me know that I am depressed, but when I feel good, that is when I might need to pay more attention.

There is a fine line between happiness and illness with this disorder. It is actually one of the things I find most frustrating. I am never quite sure if I am doing well and am happy or if I am becoming manic and need to monitor myself after I finally feel great. Is it happy or is it hypo mania? It is extremely disappointing to discover that it is the latter, and that it is now time to medicate away the enthusiasm. I think with experience we get closer to understanding on what side of that fine line we are on, and if it is travelling in one direction or the other. I believe that happiness is feeling good without needing to do, or be or go, or have anything. It is quiet, contentment, without the busy, racing sun storm. There you go, I think I am getting closer to recognising that line after all.

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The Stigma Fighters | Fighting The Stigma Of Mental Illness One Story At A Time

cropped-cropped-cropped-Stigma-Fighters-V1Stigma Fighters is a blog series about real people living with mental illness.

The site aims to raise awareness about mental illness. It addresses stigma by creating a platform for people to share their personal stories and experiences battling mental illness. Sharing personal stories from everyday people, doctors, students, teachers, those who haven’t dared share this part of their lives because of the misconceptions, creates a more realistic representation of the face of mental illness. For those of us battling our illness, reading the struggles of others and sharing our own can be healing, and a way to feel less isolated and alone.

Plus, they have T-Shirts!

[…]I wanted to show the world that there are people living with mental illness who are not just homeless or institutionalized. There are those of us who are living within the confines of society.

There are teachers, doctors, lawyers, psychologists, actors, writers all living with mental illness. These are the stories that need to be told; the people who seem to be “regular” or “normal” people but are actually hiding a big secret. They are living with an invisible illness. They are struggling to function like the rest of society.

I’m using my forum to raise awareness for people (like me) who are seemingly “normal” but actually fighting hard to survive.

~ Sarah Fader

Websites                                                Twitter

The Stigma Fighters                          @stigmafighters

The Stigma Fighters Canada          @stigmafightersc

There are two chapters, US and Canada, created by Sarah Fader (of Old School New School Mom)

The Canadian page is managed by the bipolar dynamic duo, Marisa Lancione (Mad Girl’s Lament) and Nicole Lyons (The Lithium Chronicles).


Feisty Stigma Fighter Video

This sassy, to-the-point video exposes the reality of not just stigma surrounding mental health, but blatant neglect and unsympathetic treatment of those suffering from mental illness. It’s almost as though when someone is open enough to share their illness, there is still that lack of certainty about the validity of the claim. Like, does she really have depression, or does she just want attention, or is she just dwelling on something for too long. Is she having a pity party? Is she even trying to not be depressed? I still feel as though I will be perceived this way if I share. I am choosing to be open though. I will not allow anyone to make me feel as though I am allowing this to happen, that it is completely in my control. It 100% is not.

Here is the video. Enjoy!

Mental Health Twitter Group ~ Come And Connect!

https://twitter.com/MentalHealthTL/status/559708156155396096