Bipolar, Experiences, Mental Health, Musings

A Good Description of How Depression and Anxiety Feels… 

I thought this was on point… 

Bipolar, Information and Resources, Mental Health, Video

Watch “The Most Important Lesson Learned from 87,000 Brain Scans – Dr. Daniel Amen” on YouTube

This is really interesting…

Awareness, Bipolar, Mental Health, Musings, Stigma

A Thought About Stigma

6d8be7883823283e73cd4b91bbc40942The issue of stigma involving mental illness is alive and well, but who is responsible to stop it? How can it be stopped? I’ve been thinking about this a lot. I don’t even know if I am truly convinced that I have the right to say that I am sick when I really truly am sick. Stigma is often self-inflicted, I have come to believe. Not that I am openly stigmatizing myself, or directly and purposefully  perpetuating it, but by allowing myself to be affected by it. By that I mean by allowing myself to feel or believe, whether unconsciously or not, that what is being implied through stigma is truth. For example, I wasn’t able to continue in my last career because I wasn’t able to maintain a depression/manic free state. Sure, it was a good job and I was able to go on medical leave, but ultimately I left the job that I loved because of instability. Why then, in the back of my mind is my default feeling about this that it is my fault and that I couldn’t keep the job because of some personality flaw, or some other flaw that is in my control. Why do I feel like I screwed up and that in reality, didn’t deserve to keep the job. It makes me feel bad. I know intellectually that I was sick, but I can’t feel that it is true. I don’t feel that I have the right to say that I am sick. It has to stop.

This has got me to thinking. While it is important to educate about mental illness, and that will help combat stigmatization against the mentally ill (I personally don’t see the difference between mental and physical illness, but that is a topic for another time. In fact, I did a post related to that here. ), I think it is probably most important that we focus on ourselves . We need to change the language both in general and in the way we are referring to ourselves and our situations. If we are experiencing depression, anxiety, mania, or are referring to a time that we were, we should boldly and unapologetically say that we are or were sick. That we have a brain disorder. The brain is an organ in our physical bodies and there is an imbalance in the chemicals and therefore it’s functioning. The problem is not some abstract condition that we cannot identify. It is a direct result of our brain chemistry, it’s that simple. It is not up for debate. We are sick. Just as a cancer patient is sick and has a physical illness, one of our organs is not functioning properly so we are sick. That’s it.

The fact that the personality is formed by activity in the brain makes it very obvious that if there is an imbalance, and therefore a disruption, in brain function it only makes sense that the personality would be affected. The personality is not a choice. The fact that a person is suffering from extreme irritability during a depressive or manic state does not mean that they are an irritable person. The personality is not the self, in my opinion. The self is our bodies and the personality is a function of that body. We cannot chose it.

Additionally, our brains create and recreate connections all the time. The creation and recreation of the connections, how the brain is “wired”, is affected by our environment. I believe that the environment can contribute to mental illness insofar as a propensity for mental illness exists. It has been shown that some people who have the predisposition of mental illness may or may not develop such, and that outside stimuli, such as trauma or abuse, can trigger the illness. That is not to say that the person is not really sick and that the person can choose to get over the trauma and move on, back to not having a mental illness. They have a mental illness. Someone might have the propensity to develop a certain type of cancer but never become sick, while someone else in the same situation might participate in a lifestyle that increases their chances of developing the illness. That doesn’t mean, that if latter develops cancer,that the cancer isn’t legitimate. The brain is affected by intangible stimuli. Stress might result in stomach aches and headaches or worse, and it can also trigger a disorder in brain function. Mental illness is nothing more than physical illness, it just has a different manifestation. Sick is sick.

Honestly, until we stop trying to change other peoples’ opinions or impressions of mental illness, and start talking boldly, confidently and unashamedly about our illness just as though we have any other illness, I doubt the problem of stigma is going anywhere very quickly. If we own it, speak openly about it, and expect others to accept it like they accept any other serious illness, then eventually they will.

 

Bipolar, Experiences, Mental Health, Musings

Why Is Everything So Damn Hard?

It has been forever since I posted here. That is not for lack of trying. It’s just that I have been down more than up over the past few years and every time I sat down to write there was just nothing there. I couldn’t find anything to say, I lost the motivation to do anything. Quite frankly, mental illness sucks. Bad.

I swear to God I don’t know how so many people make life look so damn easy. It isn’t for me. For some reason I can’t seem to get life right. I know I have talent, I’ve always been at the top of my class, the team captain and the competitive pianist. A typical type A overachiever. I have three university degrees and even a professional degree. What gives?

Right now I am job searching. Most jobs I have ever had are ones that I should have been able to do better.  I am a hard-working, dedicated employee  but for some reason I see my peers passing me by. Is this typical of people with mental illness? Is that why I feel so behind compared to other people my age? I am not married, have no children, don’t own a home and probably never will. I am pretty, hard-working, and if my achievements are any indication, very smart. I always get along with my coworkers, when I have a job, and I do well at work. Why do I have so much trouble? I don’t get it. It seems like I take 3 steps forward and 3 to 5 steps back, but life just keeps on moving ahead without me.

How do I figure this out. I want a normal life but I don’t know how to get one. Almost every job I do is one that I really am overqualified for. Perhaps I lack confidence. Perhaps I am sending out a bad vibe or I’m on the wrong frequency. I don’t know, but at this point I’m willing to try anything to catch up in life. Does anybody know where I can get help with life? Is that a thing? I’ll try just about anything. Help!

Awareness, Bipolar, Information and Resources, Mental Health, Shared, Video

The struggle of mental health | Playlist | TED.com

The struggle of mental health | Playlist | TED.com.

Bipolar

Social Media & Bipolar Disorder | Can Social Media Activity Predict Depressive Or Manic Episodes?

images (71)In the past few days I have been able to come out from under the covers. Visiting family, taking walks, eating, bathing regularly, you know, the things that I take for granted when I am not sick. It feels good to see some light. Literally though, it has brightened up in terms of weather in the past two days which doesn’t hurt the progress.

During the last month or so I have really struggled with the lower end of this illness as evidenced by my intermittent to non-existent Blog posts, Tweets and Facebook activity. This got me thinking. Could social media play some role in predicting or somehow catching an episode whether it be an early stage depression or early hypo-mania? Of course, when I start to wonder things like this I go straight to Google and interestingly enough, I am not the only one that has noticed this.

I know that when I get depressed I have incredible anxiety. I get physically sick to my stomach when the phone rings, if I need to take care of some paperwork, pay rent, interact with people….Opening my computer to write, communicate on Twitter or Facebook becomes unbearable to think about. Emails feel like little attacks of more things that I am going to have to take care of. Then I start to get even more depressed and anxious because I am not keeping up with all of these things and I worry that I am missing some appointment or some important email. I worry about not keeping up on social media, hell, I am worried about who has been calling and what I am missing or what problems I might be causing myself because of the missed calls. It is irrational, I know. I can’t explain it. I know it sounds like a simple fix. Just suck it up and do it. One email at a time, just pick up the phone, it is probably just a friend, just look to see who it is that is calling before you answer. I can’t explain it, I can only share it. If you haven’t felt it, that knife in the gut feeling and then the guilt from not doing whatever that knife in the gut feeling images (69)stopped you from doing, you cannot understand. If you haven’t curled up into the fetal position and audibly moaned with agony from the butterflies on speed in your stomach, you can’t get it. It is not your fault, it just cannot be gotten. But I have gotten off track.

Back to my observation about my social media activity during this time of depression. I can actually track my activity on all platforms and watch it decline. My posts, tweets and Facebook messages become fewer and farther between as the depression continued. That made me wonder if the opposite might be true. I thought back to my last manic episode. It started early last summer and continued through most of the summer months. It was before this blog however, but during this time I had 5 Twitter accounts, I was dabbling in a couple of blogs, one is still active, 3 Facebook accounts for different causes that I had become involved in. I was even contacted by a radio host who wanted to do an interview because of my other blog and its cause. My posts were 2,3,4,5 am then 9am again. I was constantly monitoring my computer and my social accounts. I was obsessed. I couldn’t be stopped! A member of my family mentioned something to me about the strange hours that I was posting on Facebook, but that is all I heard about it. So I know that in my case, my activity on social media could quite likely be used to predict an episode, either depression or mania.

With a little searching, I found that this is being studied right now. Facebook in particular has been popular for researchers in terms of what is normal and what is out of the ordinary for the individual it is monitoring.

Here is an article about one such study: Facebook posts of Bipolar patients to be studied to monitor signs of relapse in world first study:

A world-first study will use Facebook as an early intervention tool to help prevent people with Bipolar from lapsing into manic episodes.

The Facebook use in Affective Disorders study will analyse the changes in social media use by an individual before and during a bipolar relapse.

If the first part of the trial proves that the Facebook monitoring helps to avert people from experiencing relapses then an application will be designed for users to download. ~ By Leesa Smith | Mail Online

Roisin Kiberd in, How Facebook Can Be Used to Predict a Manic Episode gives an example of some out-of-character Facebook use that he has noticed.

Recently a friend of mine began to post excessively on Facebook every day, usually between 5 AM and 8 AM. One day I used wordcounter.net to add up 9734 words in total; another day, 6288. His page became an archive of racing thoughts, manifested in aggressive, disturbing updates that friends found difficult to read.

Readers will remember a similar, very public series of tweets made by actor Amanda Bynes in the run-up to her eventual hospitalization, along with countless other examples both in public and private. ~ Raisin Kiberd

…it goes on the explain the method behind how researchers are planning to study what is normal Facebook use for an individual, and how that can be used as an indicator of a shift activity and perhaps mood.

The Facebook use in Affective Disord​ers (FAD) Study is currently underway in Melbourne, Australia; it’s a collaboration between researchers from the Monash Alfred Psychiatry Centre and computer scientists from the School of Intelligent Systems at RMIT University. It tracks the Facebook activity and mood of participants with bipolar disorder to work out what “normal” is for them, with the hope of alerting subjects when they begin to stray from their usual patterns towards a potential relapse. ~ Raisin Kiberd

In my research I even found a researcher from Michigan who is testing a phone app that would predict Manic episodes in Bipolar patients by monitoring the user’s voice. The app would record the user’s voice picking up changes in speech patterns, intonations and speed to predict a manic episode. The data would be sent to the user’s doctor for monitoring so that the doctor could be aware of the patient’s possible oncoming episode. You can read more about it hereApp May Help Predict Manic Episodes in Bipolar Disorder

I suppose then, that I am not the only person to have noticed that there might just be a link here. I’m not sure how soon we will have access to any of these apps or on-line tools to monitor our social media activity, or that anybody would want them to, but I do think that it is a good tool that we can use ourselves. I find it particularly helpful in a hypo-manic stage. If I am depressed, it doesn’t take the guilt of not keeping up my on-line presence to let me know that I am depressed, but when I feel good, that is when I might need to pay more attention.

There is a fine line between happiness and illness with this disorder. It is actually one of the things I find most frustrating. I am never quite sure if I am doing well and am happy or if I am becoming manic and need to monitor myself after I finally feel great. Is it happy or is it hypo mania? It is extremely disappointing to discover that it is the latter, and that it is now time to medicate away the enthusiasm. I think with experience we get closer to understanding on what side of that fine line we are on, and if it is travelling in one direction or the other. I believe that happiness is feeling good without needing to do, or be or go, or have anything. It is quiet, contentment, without the busy, racing sun storm. There you go, I think I am getting closer to recognising that line after all.

images (70)

Awareness, Bipolar, Information and Resources, Shared, Social Media, Stigma, Video

Feisty Stigma Fighter Video

This sassy, to-the-point video exposes the reality of not just stigma surrounding mental health, but blatant neglect and unsympathetic treatment of those suffering from mental illness. It’s almost as though when someone is open enough to share their illness, there is still that lack of certainty about the validity of the claim. Like, does she really have depression, or does she just want attention, or is she just dwelling on something for too long. Is she having a pity party? Is she even trying to not be depressed? I still feel as though I will be perceived this way if I share. I am choosing to be open though. I will not allow anyone to make me feel as though I am allowing this to happen, that it is completely in my control. It 100% is not.

Here is the video. Enjoy!