I say this is my rainy day because of the fading but lingering depression that just won’t seem to bugger off! It is like an elephant is getting a free piggy-back ride and not paying the fee. I am dragging myself through the motions of necessary daily tasks, conversation, being awake, and of all days today, the my first day. What first day, you say? The first day of my 30 day fitness challenge! Oh I want it so bad. I’ve started new meds for this dilemma, again. The carousel of this med and that, finally I find a combination that works and then oop, another what would have been a major mood swing without the meds, but a mood change just enough to make me not normal either way comes at me. Like I say, I just started the new med and I know it will work. It always does when I get this way.
I should probably explain more. When I am on my proper doses and combinations of medications, I am stable. Sometimes however, a drastic or particularly shaking experience in life will knock you off track and throw you into either a mania or depression. This time was probably my fault, I started to work too much and wasn’t getting proper sleep and wasn’t eating properly. Essentially, I didn’t stay on my schedule. That sent me into a hypomanic (a little less severe than full blown mania) state. Once I dropped from this state that is when the severe depression started. It went on for months until it got so bad that I couldn’t get to work and I had to seek help again. When I write that I just suffered a bout of depression up until this post, that is the depression that I am coming out of now. I am not quite there, am incredibly lethargic but I am devoted to following my plan of action, my fitness plan, my plan to simplify and organize my life, and to follow a daily routine. It is what sparked this blog.
In any case, this is how I am feeling this, the day one of my 30 day fitness challenge, I did the workout, it was almost impossible to get to that gym, but I must say it did help a bit. I just cannot wait to get out of this haze!
I’ve done it! All obsolete emails, gone. All unfinished blogs and unused accounts, gone. I have chosen a focus, I’m not sure why I didn’t think about this before. I have always had a love of fitness, well, in between bouts of depression. This blog is a great way to keep me motivated and accountable. Fitness helps my mood to stabilize and I feel all around wonderful when I am taking care of my body, mind and soul.
This blog is my home base. My diary. As someone suffering from bipolar disorder it helps me to write down my thoughts and to have a regular plan and schedule. Taking care of my mind and spirit through meditation (and other means that are yet to be explored throughout this journey) and my body through a fitness plan. I am posting my plan, my goals and my progress here, good or bad.
I have decided to start with a 30 day challenge. I have already posted my starting photo (It was hard for me to do because I am not happy with my weight right now, but I am devoted to the plan). There, I will also post my weekly workouts with a starting photo for the week on each page. Calorie intake for the days will also be included. I have written my goal calorie intake for now, but will update my actual intake which I will track using “My Fitness Pal“, an app for Android or iPhone.
My starting date for this plan is December 26, 2014. Wish me luck!
This whole purging of abandoned blogs, accounts and other membership type stuff is quite exhausting. I’ve decided to take an intermediate step. I generally get email from all of these different accounts, so I have decided to note them all down, get all the passwords, emails and usernames associated and as I do so, delete those that are unnecessary. This begs a larger question that I don’t know how to answer right now. What do I want to focus on? I like a lot of things, a lot of these different platforms seem really cool and I want to fill them with rich ideas but when it comes time for content I come up short. I think I need to face that I have to let some things go. Just get rid of them, figure out what I want to do with all my energy and commit to that. That is not to say that there was no place for all this dabbling. Now that I am ready to choose my focus, I have a feel for what I platforms work for me, and how to use them. See, a silver lining. Well, with a minor adjustment, off to work I go. Decluttering a little at a time.
Since I last posted here, in a somewhat panicked head-swirl of project mania, I have begun the process of simplifying. I must say, I do feel the swelling has ceased and I am experiencing a slight sense of deflation, like a slow leak in a balloon. This process unfolded in phases.
Phase 1: My first move was to take a step back, or down, or whatever distancing direction you want to use. I first distanced myself from the entire process of thought and just watched the ocean for a while. I allowed the cluttered thoughts to pass here and there through my mind without stopping to dwell on any of them. I suppose it was a sort of meditation. The longer I rested this way the slower the cluttered thoughts came and soon there was no clutter. I got to the point that I could just think of nothing. And I don’t mean don’t think about anything, I mean actually think of nothing, there is a big difference. When your thoughts are focused on nothing, there is nothing bad, sad or happy; there is nothing. Your mind is at rest. That is where I tried to stay for a while, and I have actually been repeating this process daily. That first step was essential.
Phase 2: In phase 2, well it should have been simple, I shut down all but absolutely necessary technology. I mean, a quick email and calendar browse to make sure I didn’t miss anything that might cost me my job. This, like I said, should have been simple. Yeah right, I had no idea how much time I spend tinkering around on the internet, picking at this account, adding to that, focusing on nothing in a substantial way. That is, of course, the point of this whole process; it is this tinkering that is clouding my mind with a million ideas bouncing around inside my head with an outlet for none of them. So yes, phase 2 was to shut down for a few days. In reality, it was about 3 or 4 days. I did spend time each day reading and practising the process I discovered for myself in Phase 1. I can’t say enough about how life changing that meditation type thing I am doing has been.
Phase 3: Here is where I started to do some hands-on work. I started with all my emails. I wrote down all of the email addresses I could think of, this may not apply to many of you, but I used to make an address for many different types of accounts, a work version, personal, etc. In all I had about 9 emails. I had actually had them all forwarded to one account in an earlier attempt to get organized, but I actually found it more difficult. It was more difficult to tell which address the mail was directed to, then I would forget to make sure to send or reply from a particular address and often ended up sending something from a personal address, that was set as default, to a colleague.
At first I first decided which email addresses were obsolete, then deleted them. It felt good. I could feel space opening up in my head, for real. Then I separated them all. There are now no forwarded emails, no feeling out of control of my inbox and worrying about sending from the wrong address. A little more space up there! Finally, on my computer I went with Thunderbird email client to add each email account individually. Now all in one place, but I can access them separately. It is a relief I must say. For my phone, the new version of Gmail is wonderful. I am able to do the same thing. I have every email account lined up vertically on a slide out sidebar and can switch back and forth between them individually. Here is how to add multiple accounts to the new Gmail for Android. All the email addresses do not have to be Gmail either. I added accounts from yahoo.ca and Outlook.com as well. Honestly, this might seem like a minor life change but it has made me feel much more organized. In my next phase, I am going to do the same type of purge, but for all of the different platforms I am registered with. For example, I have two Pinterest accounts, 4 Tumblr blogs, I’ve dabbled in Notelr, there is wordpress floating around, I’ve been trying to find my “thing” and in the process have played around with a lot of different apps, platforms and software. It is now time to tackle, purge and tighten up the loose ends. I literally need to clean up my virtual space. Yikes!
This will probably sounds like just a shit storm of words flying maniacally from my overstuffed brain onto this page. If that is what you get from this then you would be right. I swear to god I am trapped in a life that I am not sure is not my own. It is just a life. I feel, I don’t know, stuck. This is actually made much more unbearable by the fact that nobody is really stuck. We are all free to just take the left turn instead of the right and just keep going. Get my drift? Just, leave. Sounds exciting, and it is. I have done it. The only problem is that you’re overstuffed brain follows right along. And we’ve come full circle.
It feels like I am reaching some sort of psychological crisis due to the fact that I am experiencing only psychological input and no output. What am I meant to be doing? I am good at many things, but I am not mastering any. I feel spread thin. I have too many unfinished projects, abandoned email addresses and accounts that I opened with fervour, having decided that they would play some role in my big aha! That thing! But no, just another abandoned email account rattling around in the back of my brain, with the occasional forwarded email. I don’t delete the accounts because they might be connected to some program that I semi-use right now but can’t quite remember what it is or even if it is. So, I continue to forward email from these obsolete accounts connecting me daily to abandoned projects and other mental baggage. I want a new start. I want to wipe the slate clean and abandon everything! By this, I mean everything virtual. Everything that needs a user name and password or email address, or all three. Yes, that might be a good start. I will purge my virtual world and start fresh. No forwarding, no virtual chains reminding me of past, unfinished projects and ideas.