Bipolar, Experiences, Mental Health, Musings

Why Is Everything So Damn Hard?

It has been forever since I posted here. That is not for lack of trying. It’s just that I have been down more than up over the past few years and every time I sat down to write there was just nothing there. I couldn’t find anything to say, I lost the motivation to do anything. Quite frankly, mental illness sucks. Bad.

I swear to God I don’t know how so many people make life look so damn easy. It isn’t for me. For some reason I can’t seem to get life right. I know I have talent, I’ve always been at the top of my class, the team captain and the competitive pianist. A typical type A overachiever. I have three university degrees and even a professional degree. What gives?

Right now I am job searching. Most jobs I have ever had are ones that I should have been able to do better.  I am a hard-working, dedicated employee  but for some reason I see my peers passing me by. Is this typical of people with mental illness? Is that why I feel so behind compared to other people my age? I am not married, have no children, don’t own a home and probably never will. I am pretty, hard-working, and if my achievements are any indication, very smart. I always get along with my coworkers, when I have a job, and I do well at work. Why do I have so much trouble? I don’t get it. It seems like I take 3 steps forward and 3 to 5 steps back, but life just keeps on moving ahead without me.

How do I figure this out. I want a normal life but I don’t know how to get one. Almost every job I do is one that I really am overqualified for. Perhaps I lack confidence. Perhaps I am sending out a bad vibe or I’m on the wrong frequency. I don’t know, but at this point I’m willing to try anything to catch up in life. Does anybody know where I can get help with life? Is that a thing? I’ll try just about anything. Help!

10 thoughts on “Why Is Everything So Damn Hard?”

  1. I just started blogging…but I have wrote so many posts and just deleted them. It’s like the will to write is not there. I used to do nothing but write for years as self-therapy. But anyways…I fall into the same exact boat. I do not have all the degrees you have, but I have so much professional experience I am capable of walking into just about any job in my field without a problem. Hence when I get there…I expect way way too much from myself and put to much pressure on meeting my perfect expectations. I last a certain amount of time and I underachieve and fall apart. I pick up all the pieces again and again…and repeat the same habits. It boggles my mind. My home life is in shambles. I continue to (at least what I feel I am) giving it everything I have inside. At this point I am not sure what I am doing wrong or why I am repeating the same mistakes. If you find any answers…please pass them along my way. In the meantime…I hope things start to improve for you. TC

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for leaving this note. It really does feel much better knowing that I am not the only one struggling. In fact, I am beginning to wonder if struggling is the norm and that it just appears that other people have it together. Another blogger (mzukowskiblog) who commented here left a link to a post of theirs. I’m not sure if you saw it, but I recommend reading it. As a matter of fact, I am going to share it on my blog right now 🙂 Here is the link, check it out.
      https://mzukowskiblog.wordpress.com/2017/11/15/this-ones-for-you/

      I think that we most likely, as you stated, are much too hard on ourselves. We set a standard for ourselves that is far beyond what anybody else would expect of us.

      I am trying to remind myself that I really have no idea what the true state of anybody elses life is. Most people do a pretty darn good job of putting on a good front. Who knows what someone else, someone who seems to have it all together, is dealing with in their personal lives. People don’t share the struggles, the pain, the damage quite as openly as they share their success. We have the inside scoop on our own lives, front row seats. It’s a raw, wide open, hold nothing back show. When you combine that with the fact that we hold ourselves to unattainable standards and beat ourselves up when we fall short (in our own eyes), things can appear pretty bleak. Let’s take a step back, remember that we really don’t know what is going on with anybody else behind the shiney exterior, and focus on what is good. Try to remember that we are learning. After all, wisdom is really only attained through struggle (or at least not without difficulty). So I say, if anything, we are (or will be) some of the wisest people we know. 😉

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    1. I’ll be 39 on Monday, hence the Scorpio. I’ve often wondered if there are more Scorpios are particularly susceptible to bipolar disorder. Maybe the whole thing is bunk. I’m not sure either way.

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      1. I’ve often wondered if there are more Scorpios are particularly susceptible to bipolar disorder.

        An interesting question. My guess would be “yes”. Because we went through school being five months younger than the average age of those we were meant to be socialised alongside. That makes a difference – academically, athletically, socially, emotionally – especially in the younger grades. We’d be under more pressure to keep up and probably more likely to be targeted by bullies.

        We already know that the youngest kids in the class are much more likely to get an ADHD diagnosis. Once you get the attention of mental health authorities you’ll be at greater risk of getting other diagnoses too. Not to mention the questionmarks over the role of ADHD medications in the later development of bipolar.

        So yeah, I figure us Scorpios are at increased risk of early stigmatisation and alienation, eventually, diagnosis with a mental illness. It’s probably worse for Saggitarians though.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Why is everything so hard?

    Well, speaking for myself it’s mostly because I made it that way.

    Yeah, it’s hard dealing with bullies and people who want to make a big deal of me being different. But at least they taught me early that it was pointless for me to want a ‘normal’ life. ‘Normal’ people won’t let me. So I learned to live an abnormal one. No spouse. No kids. Never owned a home and never will. But there’s plenty of other stuff. Some of it that ‘normal’ people can’t aspire to, because they lack the talents and hypomanic bursts of energy and creativity that come with my ‘disease’. Even depression teaches you things that a lot of people just don’t get.

    But most of my problems come from taking on too much and demanding too much of myself. Then the inevitable down comes and I can’t cope with it. It just means I spend what little energy I can still find beating myself up for being a failure. Again.

    But frankly I wouldn’t have it any other way. The universe isn’t meant to be grey. Life is for living and I’ve sure done that. Even if a lot of the time I wished I’d never lived at all.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I love this. I can related to every single thing you just said, and you are so right. Thank you for reminding me that I am exceptional. So are you. Normal is boring. The more we go through the more we learn. Awesome comment.

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