Bipolar, Musings, Personal, Stories

Depression ~ My Perspective

Depression and laziness are not the same thing. ~BPScorpio

I am coming out of a severe depression that has lasted for almost an entire year. It began to subside, slowly, about three months ago. When I say slowly I mean, I could start to remember what I did the day before, dates, appointments. I could finally take a shower and even use shampoo.

I really hate depression. It makes me feel lazy. What’s worse, it makes me feel like other people think that I am lazy. “Get up and go outside for a walk, it’ll make you feel better!” “You don’t have it that bad, look at how good you have things!” Add more guilt here. Do they not know that I would do almost anything to have the energy to get up and go for a walk? I would love to comb, and blow-dry my hair? Maybe add a little make-up and put something nice on? That’s funny. Those things are out of the realm of what I would do almost anything for. I would do almost anything to have the energy to take off my sweats and take a shower that includes washing my hair, shaving, oh my god the nightmare! I always do it, eventually, but I wish just one person could feel how physically difficult it is to do those things.

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I loathe depression. Lying there, knowing how many things you need to do, appointments to go to, mail to open, laundry to do, hell, eat! Just anything! Knowing how lazy you must seem to everybody around you. How do you explain the feeling? That feeling of agonizing heaviness that makes you feel like you cannot physically move. Depression is not just sadness, guilt, emptiness, feeling of failure, fear, anxiety and on and on. Those aspects of depression to me are the ones that I have become used to. I have my head wrapped around those symptoms as much as one can. It is hard to remember at the time, but you know that it is depression. The nightmare for me is the physical toll that it takes on me.

You see, when I suffer a depression that is contained mostly to the emotion symptoms, a few of which I described above, I can still manage to complete some daily tasks. I am just very sad, anxious, guilty, etc while I drag myself through to completion. It is the deep, all consuming depressions that hijack my mind and my body that leave me feeling the most helpless.

images (29)Have you ever had a dream where your mind wakes up but your body is still in sleep paralysis? Those terrifying nightmares where you can’t move, scream or call for help? That sort of how a severe depression feels to me. It is difficult to explain, but every motion, every movement feels more difficult and exhausting than if I had the flu. Most people find it difficult to get up and at ’em when their body is overtaken with a flu, right? Well, that is the best way that  can describe how I feel when going through a severe depressive episode.

I can only write this now because I am feeling pretty good. I have come through and finally am in the care of a strong team of professionals. A great GP, Psychiatrist and counsellor that I have never had before. I am feeling happy today. Some days are better than others, but things seem to be looking up and I seem to feel better more often than not these days.

Now that my depression has been treated for some time, as difficult as it was, I can get up and go for a walk if I am feeling a little low, and it does make me feel better. Going for a walk and counting your blessings do not cure severe depression. Professional medical help to treat severe depression will eventually lead one to have the ability to get out and go for a walk.

If you are suffering a depression right now, my heart goes out to you. I understand that it is too hard to do a lot of things that many around you might think are simple tasks. I know that simple tasks are only simple to someone healthy, and that you are not ungrateful for the things in your life. You are ill and that is it. It is not your fault.

If you know someone who you believe may be suffering from depression and want to help, acceptance of where they are and education are a good first step.

Here are some links:

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16 thoughts on “Depression ~ My Perspective”

  1. re: “You don’t have it that bad, look at how good you have things!”

    this is the line that MOST infuriates me!!!

    Thank you for referring me to this post. It is a constant fight within (and also with the ignorant public) to not make depression a moral issue. 😦

    xo

    Liked by 1 person

    1. No problem! I know, now that I am coming out of it, how comforting it can be to hear about it from other people who have suffered the same. I hope you are feeling better soon. Just remember, it is a medical condition, a chemical imbalance and it is not your fault. I come from a Christian background as well so I know how difficult it is to find someone in that community who understands. No offense to the Christian community of course, I know they mean well. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      1. That (the Christian community) is probably 75% of my confusion. My pastor does not get it altho since he has counseled me it’s a toss up as to who has learned more – me or him (I went to him weekly for quite a while).

        Liked by 1 person

        1. I felt the same confusion. It took me quite a long time to accept that I didn’t have a personality problem, or a “spiritual” problem. I do believe that there is a place for faith, whatever form that might take, in the healing and treatment process. That must go along with proper medical treatment and counselling/psychiatrist. If it isn’t too personal, are you seeking medical treatment at this time? Medication or anything like that? Don’t answer if that is too personal. I was just wondering. I was persuaded that I just needed healing, that there was some sort of spiritual problem. I suffered for a long time needlessly because of that. Faith and spiritual growth can play a great role in treatment and self-care, but a medical professional should certainly be involved. That is my opinion of course. If I were a person of faith and prayer I would include that in my life with any illness, but if I had any other disease (diabetes,etc, for example) I would certainly take my insulin as well. I hope you find peace with your path. I am always here for a chat or if you need someone to talk/vent to. 🙂

          Liked by 1 person

          1. Thank you for offering to be there! It is really neat to be meeting people like you who understand. Yep, I am on meds for my bipolar, have a psychiatrist for med management, and a therapist I’ve had since 03. I actually did “the experiment”‘ for 2 years based on my “faith” and the ahem, strong encouragement from my pastor, where I went off meds. I was working as a nurse at the time. Toward the end of the 2 years (2010) I started getting manic on the job. I knew I was revving up but I thought I was fine. I got very tough on my nurses’ aides, I thought I was just being assertive. I became “Super Nurse.” lol… When I think back, how I could have hurt my patients, any number of things – I was driving, I could have hurt someone that way – I did eventually get it, what was going on. I quit nursing for the last time then and I went back on my meds. To think I could be manic and possibly cause harm – and not know that I was that bad! I won’t do that again, I don’t care how much “encouragement” I get. 😦 I know it was not my fault, but I am so thankful nothing happened to anyone (except my ego). So, sigh, yes I am under treatment, I am still in the same church but thinking about going elsewhere – am praying about that.

            Liked by 1 person

            1. I’m so glad to hear that you have gone with your beliefs on the medical route. It really is the best starting point. It gives you the clarity, albeit sometimes just enough it seems, to filter through all the advice and opinions and come to your own conclusions. Good luck on finding the right church for you. I hope that you find an understanding and forward thinking group of believers to connect with. xo

              Liked by 1 person

  2. I never understood it when my daughter had that feeling until I was hit with a very deep depression.
    I no longer say things like you described I now just try to comfort and help her in any way I can.
    Depression does hurt – I hate it unfortunately I can’t control it. Thanks for sharing

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It is almost impossible for someone who has not experienced it to understand. That is why education and awareness is so important. It is such a crippling illness.

      It is great that you are there for your daughter and that you understand. It is unfortunate though that you had to experience it yourself. I am sorry for that.

      I hope that things are going well for both of you now.

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  3. I’m glad you came out of your depression. I think your post can help someone who’s depressed not feel so alone or hopeless. I always tell myself when my mood is low that it’s not real, it’s the depression talking. I was depressed for 6 months last year, so I know how hard it is. It’s also such a relief when it lifts as I am feeling better now.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I hope that my post can help even one person. It is a lonely place to be if you don’t have someone very understanding and patient caring for you. Everything is so difficult.

      I ended up having to go off work because of it. It was kept confidential and unfortunately I would not have been comfortable with anyone knowing because of the stigma associated. I just didn’t need the judgement.

      Thank you for your comment. I hope you are feeling much better now. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

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