It is really late right now. I have been fighting really hard for a long time. Fighting to be positive, to grow through self improvement, meditation, healthy lifestyle, blah, blah, blah. I feel worn down right now. I should be in bed, I should have gone to the gym, why was I so tired to today? I thought I was feeling better lately. Ahhr!
I just don’t have the time nor am I in the mood for pretty words right now. The fact is I am tired of trying to feel good. Do you know what? Most of the time I feel like I am dragging my ass through quick sand and the moment I get a medication that gives me a bit of energy I am suddenly becoming hypomanic. We better stop them or you’ll become manic. Well to hell with it! I say bring it on! Bring on the hypomania, while we’re at it, ramp it up to full blown mania! Anything to get me out of this slump.
I see the laundry sitting there, I want to do it but it is as though there are a thousand elephants holding me down. It is so frustrating to almost have normal energy but to be not quite there. It’s down right painful!
I will admit that I have been feeling better than I did when I was in a severe depression, but god help me I do not feel the way other people appear to feel. Why is everything such a chore for me? Showering, errands, cooking, getting dressed, and on and on. I want to have daily energy! Some days are okay but I am still pushing myself through. That makes the days that are not okay a darn chore. I have just started Wellbutrin and I hope to high heaven it boosts my mood and energy because I can’t fake it anymore. Not that I have been doing a great job of faking it anyway. Shag it all!
And that, folks, is how I am feeling right now. Raw. I am so sick of it!