This post is the story of my first mania. It is a continuation of the post called “First Signs”
First Signs….I feel sad for my younger self. These were many years of turmoil both internally for me and externally in my home life. This life continued until just after I graduated from high school, then something unexpected happened. It was like an epiphany, a revelation! A freedom that I had never felt or experienced. It was what I know now to be my first Manic episode.
My first mania had a subtle onset. It lulled me into a feeling of something bigger. I come from an island off the east coast of Canada called Newfoundland. It is quite isolated and I had just returned back from a summer program in a university in Nova Scotia. I had left the island all on my own and survived!
I was 17. When I arrived at the university my depression became worse. I was alone amongst people that I had never met! I had no self confidence, I had no clue if anybody really wanted to have anything to do with me and in my state of social anxiety and paranoia I was pretty sure I was just a bother. I made it through though, finally, just like I trudge through all of life’s mud with my oversized boots. I always get to the other side. On the other side was my home on the island. So where does this mania come into play here? Well, like I said, it started with a whisper. A feeling of something bigger.
Even though I fell apart on my own, once I returned home I felt proud of having left. Proud of my experiences. I am sure that having left, I was suddenly struck by the reality of a larger world than I had ever known and I had barely left the east coast of Canada. My mind started to wander. I started to look into other places, other ideas. I began to enjoy smashing the shackles of time and the expectations that are attached to it. You know, around 8am we wake, breakfast, noon is lunch, it is a work day, or a weekend, it is getting late we should probably sleep. The shackles, the preconceptions about what we ought to do and when. I began to switch it up. I would stay at the 24hr coffee shop and eat my breakfast muffin at 3am, “What is time anyway?”, I wondered. “Nothing!” I loved being out when everyone was sleeping. It was like the world was a free place, where nobody was about to let you know what you ought to be doing. No one there to look at you strangely if you walked in the middle of the street instead of on a sidewalk. Those invisible lines that we dare not cross increasingly did not exist for me. I began to really think that I could do anything. Go anywhere. Right now. There are no rules or constraints, those are all illusions! I began to feel brilliant. I didn’t need to sleep, I could stay out musing philosophically in a moonlit graveyard until 4am then get back to the regular peoples’ world, the working world by 5am. Oh the things I understood. So why was I getting flack? Why were people looking at me strangely, questioning me? Don’t they see it? The freedom? That there is really nothing? I understood.
During this time, I had been in a relationship for about 2 years. I suppose we were “in love”. I don’t know. High school sweethearts and all that. We were meant to return to the same university that I had just left. He would play hockey, I was on the volleyball team. I had already rented an apartment with some girls that I knew there from the summer time. We had a plan, and it was good. It was stable. It was normal. It was in my best interest. It made sense. It made sense to a level headed, non-maniacal mind. At this point however, my mind had hit the north pole and I was struck with a wanderlust that sat me for hours in front of my computer researching places unknown, far away. How would I get there. What would make sense? I needed to go. University! That was my out!
University was the best plan. I researched and researched all the universities I could find. Both nationally and internationally. It was exhilarating, I was thinking quickly now, I had to. With only weeks left before the start of the school year I had to think quick. Ha! No problem there! There were a lot of questions about why I would just take off like that. What happened? I didn’t have an answer. But what about the boy? Right, a long distance relationship. Problem solved. For me, not for him. He broke up with me, he didn’t get it. It didn’t slow me down. My coach from university called me when he heard I wasn’t coming back. Not enough to stop me. My roommates called. It was too late. I was already gone. I just hadn’t left yet. Until I did….
I left for the other side of the country, leaving everybody I have ever known and loved behind, a decision that was made on a whim and changed my life’s direction forever. I will continue this story in an upcoming post. Stay tuned!