Have you ever tried to think back and piece together how you came to that fateful time in your life where things had just become undeniable. There is, for certain something terribly wrong. Be it a first breakdown, hospitalization, or just you dragging your butt to a doctor throughout the surrounding wreckage of your life? That moment where you realize “wow, I always thought I was the problem.” “I always thought that there was a flaw in me, in my personality or self.” “I am not just a screw up for no other reason than that I am a miserable person?” “You mean there could be a reason for this, a medical one?”
This far from erases the guilt and shame that you have collected over the years for being so “difficult” being so “hard to get along with”, a “screw up”. However for me, it was a ray of light and a glimpse of blue sky after years of self hatred and abuse. To find out that this could be medical! I am not Jekyll and Hyde, I am not demon possessed, as some more religious members of my family had concluded, I am not EVIL! Really? Could it be? It took me years to fully believe that I genuinely had an illness that was not anything to do with whether or not I was a bad person. That glimpse of blue sky was my first conception that I might not be a bad person.
Over the years since, I think back to the time before that diagnosis. Through childhood, the rage, the confusion. I try to remember my first signs of mania. I think I’ve pinpointed those times of depression and mania in their earliest stages. The worst mania being the one after my first wrong diagnosis as unipolar depression. The antidepressants sent me into a god like ride that doesn’t’ exist on this earth. Having mostly only felt depression I thought I was acting normally, like a happy person. Um, nope.
In some of my upcoming posts I want to share my stories as I piece together the events that lead to my understanding and acceptance of this disease. Some are tragic, some are (now) hilarious, but I want to get them straight in my mind as a way for myself to piece things together and help me towards completeness, self understanding and acceptance.