Wow, it has been a really long time and a lot of really awful things have happened since I was regularly posting here. For the past 5 months or so I have spent varying amounts of time staring at this computer screen. Each time there is so much that I want to fill you in on, a multitude of stories that I’ve yet to get out.
It kind of reminds me of the Simpsons episode where Mr. Burns gets a check-up. Well, each particular story is like one of Mr Burns’ little illnesses. The little bugs or illnesses are so numerous that they should have already killed Mr. Burns. He continues to live, however, because they are all blocking each other and cancelling each other out. Check out the video, it might make some sense to you. It is my best attempt at explaining myself.
If only a slight breeze would pop one of those stories out and the rest would flow. I guess that is kind of why I am writing this. It is something, even if it is simply me writing about not being about to get myself to write.
I feel like everything is just swirling above my eyes, up there somewhere and there is just so much ‘stuff’ in that cyclone that I become overwhelmed and I can’t figure out what to pick, what to start with. I don’t know which to write about, I don’t know which chore to start with, which move to make next. I feel like I have been hog tied with a big sock duct taped into my mouth. All I feel like I can bear to do is sleep. The whole swirling mess that is every day life just keeps spinning and I have grown weary, a ceaseless fatigue that just lingers. I don’t know how to move quickly, I am slow, I am perpetually tired. The very chore of fighting to achieve an upright position is a chore so big to me lately that I have considered just not getting up anymore. Just saying, “fuck it” and letting everything crumble around me until someone just deals with my limp, uncooperative body. This temps me often.
On the positive side, I have posted something. I feel like something budged. I think I made some room, wait…I did. So, there are a lot of stories to tell, lots of psychological findings I have come to learn. I recently found new hope and have learned that up until now, I’ve been prescribed mostly incorrect medications. I feel that many of you will be interested to learn about what I have discovered from my new, fabulous psychiatrist in whom I have a lot of hope. I want to share that whole journey as it unfolds, and will catch you up shortly. It is exciting, particularly if you have been dealing with Mental Illness in North America.
Stay tuned, I will return, I can feel a small breeze coming through that sliver of space I just freed up. Talk soon! xoxo
So, I’m basically coming back from the abyss, and as the sunlight hits my skin and I claw what’s left of me out of the black hole that I disappeared into God only knows how long ago, this old post was amongst my life’s debris. A mountain of post Depression loose ends and missed this’s and that’s through which I once again find myself sifting is where I came across this old post of mine and I felt like sending it out again. I know somebody needs to see it.
Never put yourself down. There are enough people who will do that for you.
– Advice from a friend
Remain mindful of your thoughts. Stomp out thoughts of negative self-talk without question. All lies, those thoughts are not your own, don’t let them become your own. Illusory echoes, the last desperate trace of the voices of those whose own self-talk spills unto others. In others they see only what they hate about themselves.
Only thoughts that are full of love and gentleness toward yourself are the truth, the rest are lies. Pity those who spill their own self-hate (knowingly or not, because anyone who loves themselves isn’t capable of hating others, it’s a side effect and it is how you can tell who is truly happy with themselves) and call out every single negative thought as a lie. Expose it, refuse it, and claim the truth on top of it.
The truth is that you are loved. Please love yourself. Be patient with yourself, and towards your precious self be merciful, forgiving, loving and kind. You are precious, and you need to take care of you.
There are enough people salivating at the opportunity to beat you up, to hurt you, to take from you. Do NOT do it for them. Protect your ‘self’ and love your ‘self.
Beautiful isn’t pretty.
I don’t usually share this part of my life with anyone, well, ever. It is about addiction. This time I will because it is the only way I know how to share what followed. It took a long time and it is only by chance (or was it?) that I was given a glimpse of such beautiful ugly. I hope it will be for someone out there.
This is an incredibly insightful post about how profoundly our interactions with others are interpreted through our own perceptions. We can never escape completely our perceptions because they are a product of everything that has ever happened to us.
“My own experience in counselling has helped me to understand just how influenced our perception is by things of which we are often unaware: traumatic events from the past, ideas about the world formulated in childhood, issues of one kind or another which we carry around as our personal set of “baggage.” And by strong emotions, like love, or fear.”
A very thoughtful post.